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Below are the 20 most recent journal entries recorded in apathys_child's LiveJournal:

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Monday, August 1st, 2005
2:14 pm
no more entries. i'm done with this thing.
2:04 pm
doobie, doobie, doo.
The band sites are up and running for all who wish to check them out. Lots of work will be done to the bfs website. We take all of our pictures and stuff tomorrow so those will be up on myspace and whatnot. That's about it. This past weekend was exactly what I needed to clear my head. I've realized what truely matters and what I just need to let go. But anyway, the website for bfs is www.angelfire.com/band3/beneathfallingskies/ and on myspace www.myspace.com/beneathfallingskies1 We just finished the 5th song today we just have to show it to Scott then that's out of the way. We have one more song left to write then it's studio time and show after show after show. City to city, titty to titty. haha, anyway, yeah, I love def leppard!

Current Mood: giddy
Saturday, July 30th, 2005
8:49 am
you had me at goodbye
Oh my fucking god...Jessica that comment you made about...I know who the real asshole is over the whole "jersey girl" thing. That's fucking helarious. I DO remeber you texting CHAD all the fucking time and being like "we are just friends teehehe" nice myspace pic you fucking bitch. we know who "the real asshole is." What the fuck was I thinking. God i'm such a dumbass. Was anything real with you? seriously. Jesus christ. You were so happy then you blink and you are single for no reason. I see the reason. I knew there was more to it. You had someone else. Or many someone else's. Good God man. Fuckin a. It's ok for you to laugh about this. YOu have the upper hand. You win. I'm torn up. Does it feel as good as you hoped it would? I'm sure it does. Congrats.
Friday, July 29th, 2005
5:43 pm
I place my heart in the hands of seclusion
So things haven't gotten way to stressful for my taste. My brother came out today and got me. I'm staying with him in Chilli for the weekend. I'll be back around Manito probably Sunday or Monday. I just needed to get away. If I had money I would've left state with Bryan but yeah I'm broke as usual. I don't really have much else to say. Thanks to whoever Lindsay is for letting me know about Mike's headstone. But no thanks for skinny dipping with my ex. That's so lovely I could vomit. Yeah. I bid farewell.

Current Mood: content
Monday, July 25th, 2005
12:30 pm
Forever is such an unpleasant word...
It's been ages since I've updated this thing. I haven't came up here to get on the net in a few weeks. A lot of things have been on my mind I guess. If I listed them all I would probably exceed the time limit allowed on here in the library. I miss Jessica like crazy but I know it's over and done and that hurts but I guess I'll hold on to what mattered at the time. I'm just thinking back on all the things that have happened since january and to be honest sometimes I think that I would have been better off not going to the psychward and carrying out with what I started but then again there is so many who I love that it would really hurt. I'm out of medicine now. I have no money to get any. I just got out of jail like a week ago thanks to bryan's mom. Nobody else was willing to help me out. as a matter of fact my mom called my family and told no one to help me out. I think I'm moving in with shane soon. I have to go to court this wednesday. I'm hoping for probabtion and fees but from what I heard we could be facing 1-3yrs in jail. that would really suck. I just look at my life and Im finding nothing. I don't have a job, I don't have a car, I don't even have a phone, I lost mike, I lost jess, the psych ward, now i might be facing time, and I pretty much lost my family. What's left man? I'm pushing forward no matter how I feel. It just feels like I've lost everyone and everything. I don't have anything to confide in. I went to mikes grave yesterday and spoke a few words and being the bitch i am of course i cried. it still upsets me that he STILL does not have a headstone. The band right now is all I have i think. We have an amazing drummer and shit like the month and a half we've been together we are almost done with our set. We have two songs left to write. One is halfway done and we have a good intro to the other. Shane and I went out to Chillicothe the other night to meet up with this guy at his studio. He's going to let us do a 3 track demo for $250 which is a damn good deal. He came out to watch us practice the other day also. i wrote a song for mike that we are pretty proud of and I want those who knew him to read the lyrics. If you are wondering the song title is the day he died and the time he was pronounced dead.

04:23:07:10

The beauty held in his eyes
Will fade to black on this cold Aprils night
He took his life

I will hold on to your words
until we meet again
Under a different sky where we can feel alive

I cannot forget you

I will wait for you under a clearer sky...

---I repeat a few of those lines. You would just have to hear it. We do have a band name. We go under Beneath Falling Skies. If things go as planned we are going into the studio 3 weeks from now. Hopefully that goes to plan but things seem to never go as planned so we'll see. Yeah, I should get off of here now. Jessica I just want you to know that seriously...I was always faithful to you. You can talk to anyone of my friends that i was close to and they will tell you how much you really meant to me. If I could've ever seen myself happy for so long with anyone it would've been you. i couldn't be with anyone right now or for awhile because my feelings are still so strong for you. it wouldn't be fair to them. Take that however you want to take it. I wish you the best and maybe if you're willing we can hangout sometime. that's entirely up to you. bye everyone. if I don't come back wednesday I love you all dearly.

Current Mood: discontent
Thursday, July 7th, 2005
2:54 pm
Wednesday, June 29th, 2005
10:06 am
this may be my last update for a little while
I guess we lose the internet today because we are broke and cant afford it. I'll still go up to the library a couple times a week to check on things. The past few days have been ok I suppose. I've spent a lot of time with Jessica which is cool. I don't really have much to say. I'm really pushing for next friday. I just want it to be the 8th so me and Jess can get away from it all and just have a really good time. I'm going to be SOOO giddy the day of the show. Oh yes. PTW. Oh yeah. These days I have been realizing more and more that things I thought mattered didn't. I'm not really sure what I want to do with my life. I want to cancel out every two faced person I've ever met. I've even thought about just packing up and moving somewhere and trying my chances, but then I'm leaving the band I've always wanted and Jessica. I know Jessica and I aren't a "forever" thing and that's fine, but I really love her and I want it to last and share as many good times with her as I can before we split ways further down the road. It really sucks I'm losing the internet. This is like my chill spot. I wake up and park my ass here start some music and let the day be what it is. I really have nothing to say. Bye everybody.

Bryan when you get a chance check your email.

Current Mood: curious
Sunday, June 26th, 2005
9:43 am
I'm terribly sorry if this offends anyone....
I don't know exactly what to say I just feel better when I get on here sometimes. Yesterday I was kind of weird and today I don't feel much different. I miss Mike. I think about how he died and what happened before he died. It's just so fucked up man. I never realized how hard it would be to see someone everyday and then just have them gone out of your life in the blink of an eye. It's different when you know they are still alive and shit and that happens but when you know they are dead it's a completely different story. It just runs in my head. Like I can see the whole process. I can see him parking the truck. The gun right beside him as well as the notes. I can see him taking the deep breaths I can see the tears rolling down his face. The shakeyness of his hands and the gun in his mouth. Then I wonder if he gave a sarcastic smile or just closed his eyes and pulled the trigger. From what I've heard he was alive for an hour. Could you imagine sitting there for an hour with a bullet in your head, your warm blood running down your body, waiting to die. My girlfriend lives in the same town he did. I pass the road he shot himself on nearly everyday. A couple times a day. I know that looking through the trees is where he shot himself. I go through green valley and see his house. If I'm outside in Green Valley I think about the fact that he's in the ground just right outside of town. You can see the cemetary from the road. It just blows man. I mean I know life sucks and I've been suicidal myself and I know his pain, but fuck. As much as I would love to die and just fall out of existance sometimes I would never want to put the burden on anyone that Mike put on all of us. I know that if he truely thought about what it would do to everyone he loved he wouldn't have done what he did. He wasn't a heartless bastard. He was a beautiful person. Just a very sad person. I wish I had a car. I would just go sit by his grave for hours staring blankly deep in thought. I feel like when he died a part of me died. I push all of this shit way back in my head, but it's there. It's not something that can be fixed. We just pick up the pieces and move on. I've moved on but it still hurts. I just wish I could drink with the guy or something. I said a few words to Jessica about it last night and she was just like Ben you can't keep thinking about it. I know that but I can't stop thinking about it. When I do it gets brought up again. It's hard. It's so fucking hard. On another note, I really want to take this fucking dog and spin it's head around and throw it against the wall repeatedly then stomp on it because it keeps barking, and barking, and barking, and it never fucking stops!!! It wakes me up whining because it's in the kennel and of course it has the really high pitched whine that makes you feel like you are stuck in the cartoon with the guy trying to get sleep and the duck keeps bothering him and he opens up one eye and it's all blood shot and veiny. Obviously, I would never do that to an animal but damn. I'm just trying to sit here and relax and relieve some stress and it just causes more. I could let it out of the kennel and the crying and barking would stop but then it would shit somewhere and it would keep licking my legs and biting my toes and I don't feel like going through that whole process. I have no idea what I'm doing today. I did get my ticket for The Sounds of the Underground Tour in Tinley Park and that makes me fucking giddy. Jeremy, Jessica, and I are all going up there together. It's going to be one of the greatest, if not the greatest day(s) of my life. My more than fucking awesome girlfriend which I love so much and damn she's got a sexy ass ;P and my best friend, and POISON THE WELL!!!!!!!!! FINALLY POISON THE WELL!!!!!!!!!! Not to mention Lamb of God, Clutch, Opeth, From Autumn to Ashes, Unearth, Chimaira, GWAR, Norma Jean, Every Time I Die, Strapping Young Lad, Throwdown, High On Fire, All That Remains, Devil Driver, A Life Once Lost, Madball, Fear Before The March of Flames. I've already seen Lamb of God, Unearth, Devildriver, Norma Jean, Throwdown, and Fear before the March of Flames but it's going to be the shit. Most of the bands are badass minus the few shitty ones. But yeah. Good times. It will be awesome to just go there with my other half and leave all worries aside. Did I mention Poison the Well?




Only You know my pain inside
You've been there when no one else could be
When tears fall from my eyes
I know that You are always there
No matter what's in my heart
You are the One who cares
When I doubt, You stand by me
So I'm not ashamed to say the way I feel
I love You, You are my Everything...

-As I lay dying


:) Jessica<3 :)

Current Mood: indescribable
Friday, June 24th, 2005
12:25 pm
blah blah blah we are so broke.
I guess my family is having money troubles. I had to watch my neice this morning while my mom went to the bank and talked to them so we didn't lose our house? Craziness. So I guess after wednesday I won't have the internet anymore which cuts down my communication with everyone drastically, but I'm still going to go to the library to check out all my stuff so I'll know what's going on with everyone. I'm excited because I'm going to get my ticket today for the Sounds of the Underground tour. Oh yeah nuggas. that's all. i don't know what i'm doing today.

Current Mood: amused
Sunday, June 19th, 2005
9:13 am
I'm gonna gain 40lbs and become a member of the "D" and do rock squats
I'm sitting over here at my brothers house. It's pretty early in the morning. We are going to head up to Genoa today and go see my sister. My parents are up there and we are supposed to spend Father's Day up there. I plan on lounging in the hot tub all day and not really doing shit. I don't know how long I'll be there. I imagine I'll be back around Ma-knee-toe around 10ish. I think the plan is to stay with Jessica or atleast go see her. Whatever she wants to do. I feel like such a sappy fuck sometimes. I miss her really bad at times. I stare at her pics and shit and I just think how bad I miss her. I wonder if anyone else is like that. I still haven't made up my mind on the job situation but I'm going to that show on the 8th so if he doesn't give me it off I'm just going to quit. I'm going to the uk also so chances are I'll leave the tattoo shop. I'll give it more thought and if I still feel the same I'll probably leave on Tuesday. I just really want John and I to still be friends because no matter how much of the "hardass" routine he tries to play everyday I know how he really is because he's opened up to me several times and I've even told him that inside he's just a big teddy bear. He is a really good dude at heart he just doesn't drop his walls for some reason. He has to carry this hardass image in his mind but whatever man. I just don't want our friendship to go to shit but the other day when we talked he told me that even if he did have to let me go one day he would still want us to be good friends because we were even before I started working there and of course I agreed. It's not worth losing friends over. I just want to be happy in all aspects of my life ya know? This song just came on my station on yahoo messenger. It's the shit. I haven't taken the time out of my life to listen to it in a long time but it is awesome. Six feet Under was once so good. It's a shame the music they have put out since True Carnage. Maybe one day they will come out of the slump. Chris Barnes was so fucking cool at one point in time. Oh well, there is still Zyklon and Cannibal Corpse. I'm gonna get off of here now. I need to get ready to get out of here. Later everyone.

ilyjc

Current Mood: calm
Saturday, June 18th, 2005
11:16 am
Just thought I would throw in that i just spoke with my brother and i'm staying with him tonight and leaving in the morning so i won't be around. i have my dad's cellphone so i can be texted or called 3691613 love ya jess. later everyone.
9:24 am
Emily tries but misunderstands, she's often inclined to borrow somebody's dreams until tomorrow...
This basically just an entry of nothing but thoughts. A little release for me or something because right now I've got so much shit on my mind. The biggest of all being my job. I don't know what to do about that. I guess in a way I just want to quit. I just want to throw in the towel, take a few weeks off for myself to have some fun time with my girlfriend and friends, and then start looking for a job that pays so I can carry on with my life and get a car, a cellphone, be able to take the most beautiful person I've ever known(Jessica :P)on dates and whatnot so we don't just sit around all the time. I don't know. I feel if I do though then I'm letting down everyone including myself. All my friends at some point or another have given me a ride to work. Picked me up from work. Done everything they could to make sure I made it there to better myself. If I throw that away then all of their efforts were a waste of time. This is a job that I can make a career out of. Something that I can always do and I don't really have much bullshit with it. I wouldn't be working those gay/corporate 9-5 bullshit jobs and no one can tell me what I can and can't do/wear. But then I think I'm constantly being bothered by people on when I'm going to start making money. I've been working free since September. I've basically been the guy that does all of the fucking shit work and I've had absolutely nothing to show for it. We were sitting around last night and Shane, Jessica, and Bryan...I think Bryan was in the room, brought up the points that maybe he just liked someone working for him that he doesn't have to pay. See the thing is though John brings up me bringing in people more than I do. Like a few times a week. Telling me that we have to get me making money. When Shane said that though I'm just thinking "Do you guys really think I haven't thought about all of this shit in the time I've been there?" I'm mean seriously. As much as I've been pestered by people about it...yeah, no shit. I've thought of all that stuff ya know? I just get so tired of people prying into my business of what's going on. I know that they say it because they care about me and they don't want to see me get dicked. This shit has been on my mind since Thursday. I went back to work and John told me that if I miss another day between now and the end of the year he's going to fire me. I don't think that's realistic. He told me this because I took off 4 days during the winter because I was sick. Mind you that he told me not to come back until I was better because I went to work sicker than shit. I took off 3 days because of Mike's suicide. I felt suicidal myself and went to get help and spent 5 days in methodist, but only missing 3 days of work. So I wonder...WHERE'S THE REASON THAT ISN'T A GOOD ONE? I don't think I've done anything that anyone else wouldn't have done. I always get sick fall-winter. I usually get sick when the seasons change. Bryan, Zac, and I were planning and have been planning for months now a trip to the uk. That's not something I really want to go back on. Poison the Well, my favorite band in the whole fucking world, a band I've been waiting for over a year to see is playing Chicago in 2 weeks. It's not just them either. It's like every fucking band I listen to playing that show. I just don't know what to do man. I kind of just want to leave but I don't want to let everyone down and then if the jobs I have for the rest of my life suck really bad I'm always going to wonder "what if." I guess in a way I just wish someone could make my mind up for me, but unfortuantly that's not how things work. I'm just so irritated by it. I don't want this stress/anxiety in my life. I don't want any stress/anxiety in my life at all. I'm done with drama. I'm done making everyone else's problems mine. I'm looking out for number one now. If not then all of the bullshit eventually eats at me and destroys me. I never want to go back to the way that I was and I'll give up anything to never feel that way again. My relationship with my girlfriend is like a billion times better than it was. It seems that way atleast. We haven't really argued at all since I've got out of the hosptial. I think we are both just like if we really love each other and we want this to work then we will make sacrifices and be there for eachother which is really cool. It makes being around eachother so much more enjoyable. She's just so wonderful. I know that no matter what I can just drop my head to her chest and she'll be there to hold me and pick me up again and I would definetly do the same for her. I just don't want this shit anymore. It drained me. It made me want to kill myself. I shook it and I want it to stay away. Last night I started to feel the way that I used to feel. I'm not sure why but I dont want to feel like that. It scares me and it makes me feel so worthless. Like everything that I do is wrong. I HATE feeling like that. I want to feel like a person. I want to feel like I fucking matter. I don't know. I'm ranting now and giving myself a headache. Probably giving you all a headache as well. Sorry. This is just one of those entries where you just let go. I guess that's what journals are for. I don't even feel like going to work today but I should. Even if I do quit I don't want John and I to not be friends. So I want to leave on good terms. Who knows. Blah. I know I'm going up to Genoa tomorrow for Father's Day because my family is at my sisters house. I guess there is supposed to be some carnival or some shit up there we are supposed to take my neices to. I don't know if I'm staying at my brother's house tonight or if he's just getting me tomorrow. I'm thinking I'm coming back here. I don't know what I'm doing tonight. Seeing my girlfriend would be a plus but she's probably going to want to kick it with her friends. Whatever though. I really don't care. I don't expect her to spend every waking moment with me I just really cherish the time I do get to spend with her. I'm the pathetic helpless romantic. I don't speak the word love unless I really mean it and I did. And I still do. I probably always will. I'm really going to stop typing now. It's just that thoughts kept popping in my head. But yeah. I'm done. Bye....no. shit. I'm not done. I keep thinking about Mike. It's so weird thinking about him and wanting to hangout with him and not being able to. The phonecall I got at Jessica's, the funeral, it all seems like a weird fucked up dream. Maybe I've just pushed it out of my head and neglected to deal with it and now it just all seems real. I don't know. It's just so fucked up. Everytime I drive by Jacobs road and see the sign in the back of my head I know looking to the left..or right...depending on if I'm coming from or to Green valley...that one of my best friends blew his fucking head off back by all the trees you can see from the road. It just really eats at me. I just think what the fuck. Why couldn't I have been there for him? Why couldn't anyone have stopped him? Did he try to find me the night it was going down to talk to me and I wasn't available? It just fucking sucks. I hear songs and wonder if he liked them. When I party I think, I bet Mike would really love to be here. It's just so fucked up. God. Irritating. I'm sure others feel this way and they just don't talk about it. It's just fucking weird to have someone over at your house everyday and then...bam...completely out of your life. It's just not fair. I really hope he got what he wanted, but I can't help but think that he's miserable rotting in hell screaming for help and never being heard. I dont know. My thoughts are like racing and I need my pill so once again I'm going to stop typing. Seriously. I'm done. I love you Jessica. To my friends take care of yourselves. Bye.

Current Mood: blank
Friday, June 17th, 2005
10:23 am
buttcrack.....
yeah, call me at work let me know if I'm getting you after wards and I'll make that happen. Either way I love you and make sure you call me. bye jess.

Current Mood: awake
Thursday, June 16th, 2005
10:22 am
yep.
Jessica give me a call at work today and let me know if you want to hangout after I get off or not. If we don't hangout I probably won't see you until like monday or so. I'm going up to chicago on sunday and maybe staying at my brothers house in chillicothe on saturday after I get off of work and you said something about possibly going camping so it looks like tonight is really are only night but it's up to you. It would just really suck to go like 5 days without being able to really hangout because i'm in the hospital then we hangout one day and then not see eachother for a long time all over again. That would just really suck but it's your call. I dont know. I have to get ready for work. I love ya punk.

Current Mood: giddy
Wednesday, June 15th, 2005
8:59 am
Back here once again...
Well, the past six days I've been through some shit. I haven't updated in a while because I've been in the psych ward at methodist. As most of you know I've been a manic depressant pretty much most of my life so I went there to get on medicine and make sure I didn't off myself because I almost did Thursday night. Life is going to be weird now. I can't drink. I haven't had a cigerette since Thursday and I don't plan on smoking again. I don't want to smoke weed anymore. So I guess I'm...uh...straight edge? Well, you don't have to worry about me bragging about it or throwing some stupid X on my hand because that's not me and I think people like that are retarded. Who cares what someone does or doesn't do. I don't. The medicine they have me on is awesome. It makes me actually feel happy. I also feel somewhat sedated on it. So it's like my little happy pill, but it makes me feel better than any drug or beer ever has. If I do smoke pot or drink it will lower my saratonin levels and the pill raises them so it just cancels it out and I'm back at square one. I would do anything to never feel the way I did ever again. I have to go to a doctors appt today in Havana. They are going to try to help with medical cost because for like 14 of these pills it's 50 bucks. That's fucking crazy. The thing I'm not looking forward to is letting my friends know that I've stopped doing what I used to do when they offer it to me.(cigarettes, weed, alcohol, etc.)Because they aren't going to believe me or they will say...yeah that's not going to last. So that is going to get really annoying. Oh well though. I heard that our movie went to shit because Shea's computer crashed. I haven't talked to anyone important about it yet. Just heard from people while I was in the hospital. Jessica, Shane, Jeremy, Shannon, Leah, and my parents have all been a HUGE support. Jessica and Shane especially. You have no idea how much I love you guys. I don't know what I'm doing today after my appt. Maybe seeing my beautiful girlfriend but she is sick so I don't know if she'll want me over there to give her back rubs ;) We'll just have to see I guess. Thanks Jess for loving me and being there. I have to go on map quest and look for directions to this place so I'm going to finish this entry. Now.

Image hosted by Photobucket.com
oh yeah...pure hotness.

Current Mood: hopeful
Friday, June 10th, 2005
9:03 am
dammit.
I'm sorry. I love you more than anything in the world and nothing is worth losing you. So let's not let that happen because it's gay and we need eachother. By the way, I called you from shannon's phone and it lost service. She told me it probably would before I even called but I really wanted to talk to you and make things better. You called back and I said hello twice and the phone shut off again. Shane's phone was dead. I just want you to know that I wanted to call and talk to you and get this all straightened out. I wasn't giving up on you. I wasn't giving up on us. I spent a couple hours last night sitting outside with my friends them listening to me and watching me cry. They wanted to take me to the hospital and I refused. Shannon was all being gay and was going to wake up my parents and make them take me and all of this other shit. All I did was tell them how I felt inside. I could only tell them so much because they were wanting me to go get help before they even really knew shit about me. I don't know. Things are fucked. I have a horrible headache and I feel like hell. I just want all of this to go away and for everything to be like it was. ehhh, this sucks so bad. i'm sorry.................it's now 10:14am and I'm just adding to this entry. Because I care about my friends and my relationship and making things better I'm going to the hospital. Right now. I don't know how long I'll be there. Or when I'll be back. Jessica I want you to know that I love you with all of my heart and I really want you to be by myside. I'm doing this for us and I'm doing this for me. I'm tired of feeling this way and i'm tired of the way I feel inside destroying our relationship. But I have to go now. Jessica I'll call you whenever that option is available. I love you. I love all of you.

Current Mood: crushed
Wednesday, June 8th, 2005
10:06 am
....
nothing to say this is just for jessica. if you want to do something tonight call me at work. if not i'll see you tomorrow. either way I love you very much and you kick ass.

Current Mood: blank
Tuesday, June 7th, 2005
10:25 am
dammit.
These past few weeks with Jess have been awesome. I couldn't really ask for more. Our relationship seems to be next to perfect. I'm just so happy with her. I love the fact that we are so much more affectionate and whatnot. Bad shit just keeps happening though. Not with her but just in my life in general. Curve balls keep getting thrown. It gets to the point where you just want a break from it all. If I could just take me and Jess and go to an island by ourselves for like a week I wouldn't mind at all. I just wish I could take all my worries, all my stress off my shoulders for a little while. I guess in a way Jessica seems to be like my escape. I can just lay in her arms and forget about everything except how I feel about her and how she makes me feel inside. Nothing else does that for me. I just want to get a way for a while. Fall out of existence for a bit. Which is of course impossible but it would be nice. I think that's why a lot of people kill themselves. They want to feel that relief, but do you feel relieved when you're dead? Do we feel at all when we are dead? I know that's what drives me mad. My own mind. My thoughts. I think about something and I just continue to dwell on it until it eats me alive. I'm happy with the fact that I've shaped that up with Jessica to the point where it is no longer destroying our relationship. We talked the other night and she basically just flat out told me exactly how she felt about me. Every little aspect and I just wanted to tackle her. She said some of the sweetest things I have ever heard. And I wondered why it was me she was telling it to. I dont feel like I deserve her. I am more than grateful that I am with her and able to share things with her that I can't with anyone else. Yesterday was weird. I was bummed out most of the day and for no reason. I couldn't figure out why. I felt like everything I said or did was wrong. I just felt so small. I took Jessica home and went back to Jeremy and Shannon's house. The whole time thinking about how the night went and what my deal was. I just couldn't figure it out. I don't like to feel that way. I don't like to be that way around Jessica. It upsets her. I just like to cuddle with her and for us to laugh and tickle eachother and do everything that couples do. I don't want her to have to sit there and watch me be so blah. Well, this morning Johanna came home and woke me up. Shannon gave me the key to her car and I came back out here to my house to shower and get ready for work. I got to the door and my mom told me my dog had died. Immediately it clicked on why I had been so fucked in the head. I always know when something really bad is going to happen I just never know when it's going to be or what it is. I'm so tired of losing. Everything is moving on. Everything is changing. I just want time to stop but time doesn't stop for anybody. I look at my life and all I have left is Jessica, my family, and the handful of friends I have. Which isn't bad. Don't get me wrong. I'm grateful that I still have them, but you wonder who's next? what's next? I don't know man. This is getting way to long and I have things I need to do. Today is just going to be one of those days. I hope everyone else has a good day/week. I'll update again when I feel the need. Bye everyone.

I love you JessiKuh.

Current Mood: confused
Saturday, June 4th, 2005
11:10 am
Now that I know how much I love you I'm so lost without you...
Friday, June 3rd, 2005
10:23 am
Jess call me at work and let me know if you want to do anything tonight. I figured we would just go over to Shannon's or something. I love you. by the way, my little Sugar is at the vet right now with IV's :(
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